


Breakdown

by Trojie



Series: Fics for SPNVerse Challenges [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dark, Hallucinations, Multi, Non-Consensual Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-12-19 06:12:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trojie/pseuds/Trojie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas and Bobby are gone. Dean hasn't had anything to eat or drink besides alcohol in a week. Sam can't sleep and he's hanging on by a thread. What else could go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> [From a title by Tifaching and a story idea from 1337nik, for a challenge at spnverse](http://spn-verse.livejournal.com/6953.html?thread=111657#t111657), and my 2013 hurt-comfort bingo card prompt 'hallucinations'.

Sam's jealous of Dean, sometimes. At least the world seems to swim into focus occasionally for him, even if it's only through the bottom of a glass, or a bottle. Sam, though … Sam doesn't seem to see anything clearly any more. 

It started out as Lucifer, but Lucifer hates being alone, hates being ignored, so he dug around. 

Well, he's not alone any more. All Sam's greatest hits are hanging around passing commentary on his life like a Greek chorus now, slinking around in his brain while he tries to work. It was hard enough to ignore Lucifer on his own, but now he has reinforcements, and Sam's coping mechanisms aren't standing up to the impact. 

Dean sits three feet away from him and drinks until the bottle's emptier than Sam's heart, and Sam wants to tell him, wants Dean to make everything better the way he could when they were kids, knows that Dean can't and that Dean will fucking kill himself trying anyway, and selfishly _wants to tell him anyway_. But he doesn't. And that makes him feel even worse, stupidly, because Dean _told_ Sam to tell him, if this got bad. But he doesn't want to know - Sam can read it in his body and his face, and there's so much on Dean's shoulders right now anyway, Sam can't bear to add to it. 

Sam can't do much right now but he can do this - he can hold on the way Dean told him to just a little bit longer, right? 

Right? 

Except ...

First it's Ruby. She slinks out of the shadows, touches Sam, sits on his lap, cups his face, promises him she can make it all go away if only he'll let her, let her make it better, like he knows she can. She cuts herself and Sam can almost smell it, the sense-memory curling its way up out of the darkest recesses of his hindbrain where he's tried so hard to lock it away. But that's exactly where Lucifer is poking around - and there aren't any locks that'll hold against him. Hallucination Ruby licks at herself, tongue curling out catlike to taste the blood, to show Sam the way. And it would be so easy to take what she's offering. 

But she's not real. She's not. He killed her. He knows how she shuddered against him when her unlife drained away. He tells himself that and pretends he can't smell her blood, can't feel the saliva rising in his mouth because of how bad he wants it.

Meg doesn't touch him like Ruby does - that was never her angle, not really, although she played it when she had to. Meg wants to be his friend, really she does. She never lies to him - hard truths were always how she got to him, let's be honest, but the way she slings an arm around his shoulder like they're buddies is just as shudderingly wrong as the way Ruby grinds in his lap. Hallucination Meg kisses his cheek like a sister - _well, I am your sister, kinda-sorta,_ she says when he thinks that, dimpling at him. _Azazel's blood in both of us, remember, dumbass?_ \- and tells him he should just take what he wants, that he deserves a little fun. And it would be so easy to do what she says. 

But she's not real. She hasn't come near him or Dean in years, she's in the wind, her cause is gone cos Sam took the swan-dive, she sure as shit wouldn't be here now, not with Dean as ornery as he is and Sam as broken - she'd only be interested in them if they had something she wanted (Sam knows Meg, see, knows her like she knows him, they've shared headspace) and they don't. They're too weak and so Meg wouldn't be here. She wouldn't have her arm around his shoulders. She wouldn't be giving him perky, sharp advice. He tells himself that and tries to ignore the way she talks like knows how he feels. 

Lucifer is all the worst bits of both of them - he slides his hands over Sam's skin and he whispers in his ear; he calls him 'pal'. Sam's skin crawls. Sam's mouth waters. Sam's ears ring. Sam's cheeks burn. Sam's hand bruises where he digs his thumb into the meat of it over and over and over again, and even after Ruby's vanished and Meg's slunk away, nothing makes Lucifer go away for long. Sam's down to steadfastly ignoring him and that only works partially - it's hard to ignore something moving out of the corner of your eye when you've trained your whole life to notice things like that. Lucifer sits just off to one side and makes Sam twitch when he's not keeping up a running commentary on Sam's life. 

And when Sam lies down in the dark, he's there too. When Sam listens to Dean breathe deep and low, sleeping the sleep of the dead-drunk, making Sam jealous, making Sam want irrationally to curl up with him like he used to when they were kids and Dean could make everything better. there's Lucifer, murmuring to Sam, reminding him of other things he's tried to lock away too.


End file.
